Masks
by blurrygraylines
Summary: Sometimes you just can't anymore. Sometime's you're so desperate that you just don't. I've had my fair share of can'ts and don'ts. Most of the time it feels like more that my fair share. Warnings: Depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide, mentions of sleep deprivation and eating disorders.


**AN: Just some good old Dick bashing. Enjoy!**

 **P.S. the timeline might be a little messed up, but I needed it to work for Batman and Young Justice.**

 **Don't own anything.**

 **Songs you could listen to: We Are Young by Fun. Take Me To Church by Hozier**

Masks

Sometimes you just _can't_ anymore. Sometime's you're so desperate that you just _don't_. I've had my fair share of _can'ts_ and _don'ts_. Most of the time it feels like more that my fair share.

So when you _can't_ , you do what you _can_. You internally cut ties. Of course you can't actually. Everyone would notice, right? Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they wouldn't care. Maybe they would encourage it. Maybe they would say… Maybe they would say to just _don't_.

You cut everyone off. As much as you _can_. But you're not to the _don't_ yet. You still have time until you just _don't_ anymore. When you _can't_ there still may be people who can make you. Make you _can_. Like Barbara. Kind of. She can make me a little. Or Alfred, who can make someone tell the truth, mostly by butler force. He'll tell Bruce, which is worse than Alfred or Damian or Jason or Tim or Barbara or Cass.

Which is why Damian doesn't know. Which is why Alfred doesn't know. Which is why Bruce doesn't know. Which is why no one knows. And that's how I have so many masks. So that I can make sure no one knows.

It's tiring, you know? Keeping the whole family together. The antisocial freaks. Stubborn asses. Two assassins, one resurrected street rat, one antisocial genius, a trusted butler, the commissioner's daughter, Cluemaster's daughter, a circus freak, the Big Bat.

The circus freak. That's me. I am a freak. My parents were murdered in front of my eyes when I was eight in an "accident". That's not true, it wasn't an accident. They were murdered when the mob boss Tony Zucco put acid on the trapeze wires and they fell to their deaths.

Bruce Wayne took me in. I've been his ward/son for fifteen years, since I was eight. I'm 23 now. And I have so many different masks. I have my most used ones. I have ones that I barely use. I break promises with them. They break promises with me.

Dick Grayson is the son of Gotham's White Knight. He is the second most eligible bachelor after Bruce Wayne himself. He's the perfect person. He's the guy who's everyone's best friend. The eldest son in the Wayne family, the perfect brother and son. He's the glue of the Wayne clan.

Nightwing is the cool, confident vigilante. Member of the Justice League, member of the Batfamily, founder of the Teen Titans, protector of Bludhaven. Nightwing is brave, selfless, sexy, flexible. He's everyone's role model, he's the hero everyone wants to be. He's the glue of the Batfamily.

I'm not those people. I'm not any of my other masks either. I don't know who I am. The last time I remember being my own person, knowing exactly who I am was back before Bruce. Before Batman and Robin. Before Wayne Manor. Back when I was Richard John "Dick" Grayson. One of the Flying Graysons.

Back then it was just me, my mother, my father, and the circus. Now there's Bruce, Alfred, Jason, Tim, Babs, Steph, Damian, Cass, Gotham, Batman, Nightwing, the Justice League, the Titans, Young Justice, Bludhaven, the GCPD. So many things to worry about. Nightwing mostly. Being a superhero is super stressful. Especially for me.

I have a life outside of Nightwing. Unlike Batman. Bruce has no other life than Gotham and Batman. Though he's gotten better since I first met him. But in a way, he's gotten worse.

Since Bruce fired me, I've been all over the superhero community. I've worked with the Titans, the Outsiders, the League, done solo work, quit for a time, worked with the Batfamily. Most of my time has been spent in Bludhaven. Nightwing has become 'Haven's protector. Sometimes Bludhaven is worse than Gotham. I spend at _least_ six hours a night patrolling, most nights more.

I'm exhausted every day. Suffer from sleep deprivation, depression, anorexia, self harm. I'm even a little suicidal. Yeah, I know I'm messed up. I know. So messed up I almost _don't_.

I'm so messed up it really is a wonder _no one's_ noticed yet. I thought they were my family. Apparently not enough to notice when one of their own's depressed and suicidal. But I've been told I'm a great actor. I never knew I was this good.

I've been depressed for a long time. My first cut was when I was fourteen. I've been anorexic since I was nineteen. I've been sleep deprived since I started to get into being Robin. It's only gotten worse since Nightwing came to Bludhaven. Much worse.

My uniform helps hide the fact that you could see my ribs if I had my shirt off. I don't have time to eat. I have to work, train, go on missions. I don't have time for sleep either. I manage to function without sleep or food. Probably because I'm used to it.

I would have thought Bruce would have noticed something since I live at the Manor part time. Or Tim. Anyone, really. But they're oblivious. Why would they suspect anything anyway?

Some nights I really feel like I should just _don't_. I already _can't_. So why don't I just do it? Am I just a coward? But I never do. I'm always out on the streets the next day, or visiting Damian at the Manor. Anyone would tell me not to. Beg me not to. I don't know if I would listen to them.

The Invasion was one of the worst, most triggering parts of my life. My grand plan worked, but sometimes I wish it didn't. We lost so many people those months. I lost everyone's trust. Most of them still don't trust me, four years later.

0o0

 _I'm worried about Tim. He's not doing so well. But then again, no one is. My depression's only gotten worse in the months of the Invasion. My plan is working, but with consequences. I'm not proud of it. It's extremely risky. I'm risking everything for this. It's what Bruce would do. It's what I have to do._

 _There are so many things to worry about. The world. The Team. The League. Myself. My family. I could lose everything I have. But I'm willing to lose it. I deserve to lose it._

 _Kaldur and I faked Artemis's death. Now she's with Kaldur deep undercover. Wally's angry with me. I don't blame him. I would be too. But I have to do this. There's no other way._

 _There are still so many other variables. Anyone could die. Anyone could figure out my plan._

0o0

 _The mountain was destroyed, the Team is definitely not happy with our new HQ. But it's the best I can do, with Bruce off-world. I don't think I'd ask him for a favor even if he was here anyway. M'gann was captured. She found out the plan. Manta has her now._

 _The Team is even more angry with me. They say it's my fault Artemis died, and M'gann got captured. They said if I hadn't sent her and Lagoon Boy to Chicago, M'gann would still be here. They don't know about the plan. Of course they don't. I do my best to make sure of that._

0o0

 _Wally's dead. He's really dead. I almost can't believe it. I mean, Wally was my best friend. And now he's gone. Wally West is gone, and he's never coming back. I've broken a promise. I promised myself I would never let my friends die. I've been a wreck. More of a wreck than usual. I sobbed for hours alone, in the dark, in my apartment, by myself. I cut myself more than I ever have that day._

 _My plan worked. The Reach is gone. The Light is vanquished. But at a cost. I don't think anyone understands the full cost yet._

0o0

It's been four years. I've been rejected by pretty much everyone for four years. It's not been fun. But being rejected isn't generally _fun_. There are some who don't hold grudges very easily. And my family know the stakes of plans like the one I had. They know that I didn't have another choice. They understand.

Artemis was in on the plan from the beginning. She knew how it took a toll on me. She just didn't know all of the toll. She understood her part in the plan, how it wouldn't work without her. She was upset about Wally, but she didn't blame me. She knew that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened.

The other don't share the same opinion. It was my fault that Artemis and Kaldur had to go undercover in the first place. And it was. There's no denying that. Those two could have died. And I couldn't have done anything about it.

0o0

" _How could you!?" Cassie shouted. "Artemis and Kaldur could have died!" She advanced on me, poking me in the chest with every word. I sighed. I've had this lecture so many times before. From almost every member of the team. It was getting old._

" _Cassie, we've been over this. I didn't have any choice," I said._

" _There's always another choice! There's always another way!" she yelled. She was right in my face, and I could see the tears in her eyes. She poked me in the chest again, this time harder. Cassie glared at me one last time before whirling around and storming away._

 _The rest of the Team around me gave me similar looks. This was another one of those days. Those days when the stress of the last few months him everyone like a ton of bricks. I had retired from the Team, but I still helped out with them, whether they wanted my help or not._

 _Beast Boy gave me a kind of sad look. He was still a little miffed about Miss M's kidnapping._

 _The rest of the Team left the room, leaving only me and my thoughts._

0o0

It's only been getting worse. Some days I don't have the strength to get up in the morning. Some days I just lay in bed all day, thinking, thinking, thinking. Nothing good ever comes out of that kind of thinking.

I think about things. Like my parents being murdered. Like Bruce being killed. Like how I'm Batman. How Bruce is gone. How Tim's upset with me. How Damian is Robin. How Alfred's trying to be brave, but I can see through the act. How my family's falling apart. How I'm falling apart.

The cutting used to help. Used to. I used to cut to give myself pain. The pain I deserved. But it doesn't do that anymore. Not enough pain. So many things have given me pain these last nine years, a knife or a razor barely make a dent in my debt.

All these mistakes I've made add up to a debt much too big for me to ever pay up. I'll never be able to, so why try? Why try when I know I _can't_? I think I almost _don't_. There's not reason for me to. My life is a hellhole filled with demons. My friends and family distrust me. My father is dead. My best friend is dead. The love of my life is out of my life. I _don't_ know.

I really _don't_. This time I really do. All my masks are gone. Forever. It's just me. There's a gun in my hand. Bruce made me promise not to use guns. Ever. Just another promise I've broken.

 **AN: So, done. This was going to be much darker, but it didn't turn out that way. I like writing dark stories, but that didn't work this time. All the other times I've tried to write dark stories haven't worked either.**

 **For anyone confused, the italics are flashbacks, which were about four years before most of the story, during the invasion in** _ **Young Justice**_ **. In most of the story, Dick is 23 years old, and has already met Damian, Steph, Cass, everyone in the Batfamily. I just had to make this a little weird timeline so that YJ can fit in there somewhere, especially since the Titans exist too. So I guess this is an AU?**

 **READ AND REVIEW! PLEASE AND THANK YOU.**


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